|
Ach
everyone, ye'll all be glad to know that I'm back from
my gallivanting around the world, to help you with all
your problems. But before I get into that, let me update
you on what I've been up to. You will all be delighted
to hear that I recently won the award for 'most manic
prayer chanter' at the 'holy shrine of the immaculate
virgin conception and baby Jesus' in Lourdes. It was
a marvelous day- I had maniacally prayed to Jesus to
save us from our sins continuously for 159 hours, and
I managed to beat the previous winner, Sr Mary Virgin
Territory to attain the award. On a spiritual high,
I then decided I should head down to Africa to help
them wee children down there. Well the poor things,
I have a pity for them, sitting about starving. It's
all changed now of course, since evil Bob Geldof poked
his nose in. They are now distracted by all these 'food
issues' and how they're starving and not in the preaching
of Jesus anymore. As I said to them, I'd rather have
the love of Jesus in the next life, than the food of
Satan in this one. Anyway on a lighter note, on with
your problems...
Dear Sr Concepta
I
have never been with a woman before and I'm worried
that I won't be able to please my girlfriend.
I fear that my manhood is inferior in size and I will
be unable to satisfy her. Is it OK to enter her via
the back passage the first time?
Andrew,
Ballymena
Sr
Concepta says......
Andrew,
you sound a very confused young man. Firstly, just because
you're short, a good woman won't love you any less.
I wouldn't worry about the back passage issue. When
I was a young nun, the priest use to take us up the
back passage all the time to ensure we got to mass on
time, so its perfectly ok.
Dear
Sr Concepta
I
have a sick dark secret. I love sheep and I'm afraid
that if people will find out, they will laugh at me.
What should I do?
Pube.
Sr
Concepta says......
Pube,
thank you for your letter. This seems to be a problem
in a lot of areas, particularly in the Blackwater town
area. You know it's perfectly normal to love sheep.
After all, some of the disciples were shepherds and
in a way Jesus shepherds us with his love and forgiveness.
Maybe what you are really saying is that you think your
true vocation is to be a priest?
Dear Sister Concepta
Sister,
ah Jaysus, I don't know who to turn to. You see my girlfriend
likes to do that Sharon Stone thing. You know what I'm
talking about- that scene when she shows her business
infront of the men. Well me girlfriend does it everywhere
now, at chapel, at dinner but especially if we're sitting
up the town on a Saturday, she likes to do it to all
the aul boys and tourists. It's starting to get embarrassing.
What will I do? People don't even seem to notice that
I've no pants on anymore.
Sean, Derrygonnelly
Sr
Concepta says......
Sean,
if your girlfriend has a wee business and wants to show
it off, its no harm. I mean once she gets married, she'll
have to quit the business to look after your 15 children,
so let her have her fun, before she gives her life to
raising children for Jesus.
Dear
Sister Concepta
I
have a pet monkey. Some times my monkey is very bad.
Is it OK to spank my monkey?
Jack,
Bangor
Sr
Concepta says......
Hi
Jack
I
whole-heartedly condone cruelty to animals, but if your
monkey is getting out of control, I would give it a
good hard tug, if I were you- that should do the trick.
Dear
Sister Concepta
Sister, there's a man who lives next door to me and
I think he's an Arab. His skin is dark like one of them,
but it could be just dirt, I'm not too sure. Anyway,
I've been watching him and I think there's something
odd about him. I have tried to converse with him about
the GAA, but he's not interested- which has risen my
suspicions even more. Last week, I went through his
rubbish and found nothing. I have my suspicions that
he maybe incredibly intelligent. Should I take him down,
before he kills us all?
John,
Carrickmore
Sr
Concepta says......
Sounds
like he could be a Protestant to me John, did you think
of that? Keep an eye out and watch his every move. One
way to find out is to pretend there is an orange march
passing by his house. If he comes out and follows the
parade, you've caught your man!
Dear
Sister Concepta
Do
you think its wrong to love your mammy? I think my mammy
is gorgeous. I sometimes like to dress up in her clothes
when she goes out for the night or crawl into bed beside
her when she is sleeping? Could there be anything wrong
with me?
James,
Creggan
Sr
Concepta says......
Dear
James
I
don't see what could be wrong! Sure there's nothing
wrong with a young man who loves his mammy. Look at
Daniel O'Donnell, he loves his mammy and there's nothing
wrong with him!
Dear
Sister Concepta
Sister,
what is cunnilingus?
Peter,
Armagh
Sr
Concepta says......
Dear
Peter
I'm not altogether sure dear, are they a new Irish airline
or something? I can't even get my tongue around the
word, let alone know what it means!
Well that's all for this week. If you do have any problems
that you would like me to help you with, no matter how
embarrassing, email me at elementalsoup@hotmail.co.uk and remember- if you can't be good, well.. that's your
look out!
|
